[Editor's Note: This material is designed to be taught to children in their intermediate and middle school years. Other versions of the same basic material are also part of two other books: The Peacemaker, and Peacemaking for Families.]

God wants you to know that conflict starts in the heart. Many of our conflicts happen because we want our own way and make choices to get it. The Bible talks about our selfish desires as the reasons for many of our conflicts.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it" (James 4:1-2).

Our selfish desires are at the root of many of our fights with other people. Sinful, self-serving desires often take control of our hearts. The heart is like a battlefield where our selfish desires are at war with what we know is right. Our desires can fool us. We will often think that our selfish desires are right, but if they lead us to disobey God's Word, they are wrong! When we give in to them, we often end up in a conflict with someone. Here are some examples of times when you could find yourself in a conflict if you let your selfish desires rule over you:

• You want to stay up longer, but your parents say you need to go to bed.
• You want to go swimming, but your friend wants to go bike riding.
• You want to go outside to play, but your teachers says that you must stay in to do your work.

Root Desires that Can Lead to Sinful Choices

Plants get their nourishment through their roots. If those roots are good, a plant will produce good fruit. Likewise, bad roots will produce bad fruit (see Luke 6:43-45). Like plants, we have a root system in our hearts that produces different kinds of fruit. This root system is made up of the desires that are in our hearts. The fruit that grows from these roots is all the choices we make to say and do things. If our hearts are filled with selfish desires, the fruit will usually be sinful words and actions that result in conflict and broken relationships. On the other hand, if our hearts are filled with love for God and a desire to please Him, then the fruit will be words and actions that promote peace and strengthen relationships.

Some of the desires in our hearts are clearly wrong, like greed or selfishness and will produce bad fruit. Other desires may seem to be good, like wanting to get good grades, but even a good desire can produce bad fruit if you desire something too much. The desire can become a sinful demand. When you demand your own way, you are likely to offend others. This is how conflict often begins (see James 4:1-2)

Root: You think you are better than others. You don't like to be wrong.
Fruit—Pride: You become defensive and argumentative when someone corrects you.

Root: You want your own way.
Fruit—Selfishness: You will argue, nag, whine, lie, or throw a temper tantrum to try to get people to give in to your desires.

Root: You want more, and you are not content with what you have.
Fruit—Greed: You complain that you don't have what other people have. You take things that don't belong to you.

Root: You are afraid of what others will think of you. You want too much to be liked and accepted. You want other people to approve of you and applaud your efforts.
Fruit—Fear of Others: You won't tell your friends that you are a Christian because you are afraid that they will think you are strange and reject you. You go along with your friends, even when you know that what they are doing is wrong, so that they will accept you. You need constant reassurance that you are doing well.

Root: You feel sorry for yourself and you want others to feel sorry for you, too.
Fruit—Self-Pity: You pout and say, "Nobody has as many shores to do as me!" or "You never let me do anything!" or "Nobody likes me!"

Root: You want what others have. You are not content with what you have.
Fruit—Envy: If your sister gets a new shirt, then you want one as well. You make fun of your brother because he gets good grades and yours aren't as good.

Root: You don't want to work. You resist responsibility.
Fruit—Laziness: You refuse to do your chores or schoolwork. You sit and watch TV instead of doing something constructive.

Root: You are afraid of losing the love or friendship of someone special if that person pays attention to someone else.
Fruit—Jealousy: You become angry at your friend for inviting another friend to go skating. You try to do everything you can to break up their friendship.

A Heart that Desires to Love and Please God

The good news is that you do not have to be controlled by sinful desires! You can ask the Lord to forgive you for following your selfish desires. More importantly, you can ask him to replace those sinful desires wit the very best desire of all: to love Him with all your heart and to please Him in everything you do. As God changes your heart and gives you the desire to love and please him, you will be able to say no to your selfish desire and make the kind of god choices that lead to peace. This is the kind of fruit that God loves to produce in our lives through his Holy Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23).

Let's look at the fruit that comes from a heart that desires to love and please God.

Root: The desire to love and please God.

Fruit—Love: A loving heart shows an unselfish concern for others and desires to do good to them. For example, you will choose to play a game with your friend, even if you don't particularly enjoy it, because you know it is your friend's favorite game.

Fruit—Patience: A patient heart will wait without grumbling or complaining. For example, you will choose to wait your turn instead of demanding to go first. You will patiently wait for someone to give you something you have asked for.

Fruit—Kindness: A kind heart is interested in the well-being of others and will be considerate and helpful toward them. For example, you will choose to befriend someone who is seen as different instead of ridiculing the person as others do. You will treat others as you want them to treat you.

Fruit—Gentleness: A gentle heart is compassionate toward others. It is kind and loving , not harsh or violent. For example, you will speak with a gentle voice to someone who speaks angrily to you. As Proverbs 15:1 says: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Adapted from The Young Peacemaker. By Corlette Sande. Published by Shepherd Press. Copyright © 1997. by Corlette Sande. Used with permission.

Forgiveness and Repentance

Pastor Daniel Yaw

“I cannot forgive until the person who hurts me repents.”  What do you make out of this statement?  Is it true?

This statement stems from the idea or feeling of justice.  We have somehow at the back of our mind, a strong sense of justice that demands this equation.  “Forgiveness is only possible when there is repentance.”  Is this truth or fallacy?

Commanded to Forgive

If the above is true, what then does Jesus means in his command in Matthew 6:14-15, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”?

In fact Jesus left out the whole element of repentance here.  In the familiar passage when Peter asked Jesus as to the number of times a brother should forgive, Jesus simply responded by saying, “Seventy times seven times.”  He did not in anyway say, “As long as the brother is repentant.”

God requires us to be forgiving toward people.  I can almost hear all of you who are reading resonating a loud “Amen.”  Now if the statement above is true, and if a brother has wronged us and never did admit that he had done wrong and repents of it, I am now powerless to forgive. I simply could not forgive.  This makes the command of Jesus somewhat impossible or even ridiculous.  How then can one applies Matthew 6:14-15? 

However, we thank God that He does not look at forgiveness that way we look at it.  He commands and He enables. 

Completely up to me to forgive.

Now, if I am commanded to forgive, I am left with only one option - or rather, forgiveness is not really an option for a Christian.  The choice to forgive lies completely within me and it does not even lie partially in some other person. 

What do I mean then?  That forgiveness is an act did for the one who was hurt.  We are called to forgive as children of God.  When the offender hurts us, he owes us.  He or she may never be able to repay even if he or she wants to. 

If my forgiveness is dependent on another person’s willingness to repent, I am kept in the same position of the victim.  It looks like now the other person holds all the power in the situation.

I can never imagine that if the statement above is true, how then could I forgive for example, my father who had dead for 20 years?  Or how then can I forgive someone, who refuses to acknowledge the wrong he or she has done?  Surely that would mean I am therefore powerless to forgive and God’s command becomes invalid.

Instead we are still called to forgive.  Forgiveness allows us to cancel the debt they owe us, which in all probability they can never pay anyway.  That is the freedom of forgiveness.  That is the heart of forgiveness.

Lastly, forgiveness is not something we do for other people.  Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.  Therefore let us take this path and get well and move on.

Let us choose FORGIVENESS!

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

 - Rev. Daniel Yaw

“How do I forgive when I have to keep seeing the offending person?”

What do you make out of this statement?  Can I really forgive?  Should I pursue a relationship with that person even if I don’t feel like it?

You may have more questions than I do.  However, the question above gives rise to yet another issue.  That issue is reconciliation.  Reconciliation addresses the issue of a restored relationship.

As a Christian, a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, are we commanded to reconcile no matter what?  Is it really a mandate?

I believe for there to be genuine reconciliation, two factors must occur.  Firstly, I need to forgive, and then the other person needs to be sorry or show godly sorrow over what he or she has done.  Forgiveness is required of us as believers, but reconciliation is optional and depends on the attitude of the offender.

Unconditional Forgiveness: A Mandate

Therefore looking on this issue, we come again to the issue of forgiveness which is unconditional as well as a mandate.  As a believer and disciple of Jesus Christ, forgiveness is required of us.

Forgiveness is always a singular activity.  It is something that I do within me.  It is a process that I go through myself, without the need of the offender participating in it.  If that is the case, then forgiveness is possible and a command from God.  It is something we work with ourselves.

What God has called us to do is unconditional forgiveness.  Alexander Pope said, “To err is human, to forgive, divine” and it is true.  Being a child of God, we have God’s divine help to do likewise.

The concept of conditional forgiveness has been in the world - both pagan and even the Jews.  Today, some of us still see it in the same light.  What do you make out of the following statement?

Sometimes love requires us to say, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do”.  Sometimes love requires us to forgive over and over - seventy times seven times.  And sometimes love requires us to withhold forgiveness for the sake of the one who has harmed us.”

We can all agree with the first two but the last one is really in question.  Is there a scriptural basis for this?  Is this the case where “if the wrongdoer repents, then one is to forgive, but if the wrongdoer does not repent, don’t forgive”?  I believe the issue is not forgiveness but reconciliation.  Forgiveness is a gift of grace.

Desired Reconciliation: An Option

This issue is clearly seen acted on in the life of Joseph, son of Jacob in the Old Testament.  We know the story well.  Joseph was a victim of jealousy as strive occurred in the family of Jacob.  We have before us a young lad who was pampered by his parents, showing favoritism to Joseph and did not favor the rest of the ten brothers.  To make matters worse, Joseph was a boast, which got him into trouble. 

In several occasions the Bible recorded for us that the brothers hated him and were jealous of him.  This led him into slavery and ended in the house of Potiphar which later led him into prison, now a victim of false accusation.  By God’s intervention, he was finally released from prison and finding favor in the eyes of the Pharaoh, became a prominent figure in Egypt.

This is where Joseph is confronted with the next issue: reconciliation.  He had faced the issue of forgiveness long before the brothers reappeared in Egypt.  Forgiveness is the way God resolves the issues of our past and He did that for Joseph - he did not become bitter, nor did he deny that it was not there. 

What Joseph did next was a test for the brothers - to reveal the condition of their hearts - not so much to decide whether to forgive them or not.  That was already settled.  Joseph was working towards reconciliation with his family.

When finally, the brothers came into Joseph’s presence,

Joseph again said to them,  “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."             (Genesis 50:19-20 NIV)

Then Joseph assured them that he would take care of them and their families.

CONCLUSION:

Of course the completeness is found in both the issue, however, they are distinct in a sense.  While we work at forgiveness, being a command, we pray for reconciliation, being an option we may not have control over.