Help! I Don't Know My Spouse's Love Language - Gary Chapman
Do
you know your love language? Do you know the love language of your
spouse? Many couples are sincere. They love each other, but they are
not speaking the right love language. My research indicates that there
are only five basic languages of love. 1. Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm your spouse.
2. Gifts - the gift is evidence that you were thinking about them.
3. Acts of Service - doing something for your spouse that you know they would like.
4. Quality Time- giving your spouse your undivided attention.
5.Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming.
Out of these five, each of us has a primary love language. One of these speaks more deeply emotionally than the others. If you don't speak the primary love language of your spouse he/she may not feel loved, even when you are speaking the others.
What does your spouse do or say that hurts you most deeply?
The thing that hurts you most deeply is probably a clue to your love language. It may not be what they do or say, but rather what they fail to do or say. One wife said, "He never lifts a hand to help me around the house. He watches television while I do all the work. I don't understand how he could do that if he really loved me." Her love language is acts of service. In her mind, if you love someone, you do things to help them. For her, actions speak louder than words.
However, for others, words may speak louder than actions. One husband said, "All she ever does is criticize me. I don't know why she married me. It's obvious she doesn't love me." For him if you love someone, you speak kindly to them. His love language is words of affirmation. That is why her critical words hurt him so deeply.
If you want to discover your spouses' love language you might ask: What is it that I do or say, or fail to do or say that hurts you most deeply? Their answer will reveal their love language.
What does your spouse most often request of you?
What your spouse requests of you most often, is a clue to his/her love language. You may have interpreted their requests as nagging. In fact, they have been telling you what makes them feel loved.
If your spouse is requesting that you take a walk after dinner, go with them on a picnic, cut the TV off and talk, or get a weekend away together, they are requesting quality time. That is his/her primary love language. The thing that makes them feel most loved is when they have your undivided attention.
One wife said, "I feel neglected and unloved because seldom does he spend time with me. He gives me nice gifts on my birthday and wonders why I'm not excited about them. Gifts mean little when you don't feel loved." Her husband was sincere, but he was not speaking her love language. He later said, "if I had known that sitting on the couch talking with her was more important than gifts, I could have saved a lot of money." Discover the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.
How does your spouse most often express love to you.
Observe their love expressions carefully. Is it Words of affirmation? Gifts? Acts of Service? Quality time? Or, Physical Touch? The way they express love to you is likely the way they wish you would express love to them.
If he is often hugging and kissing you, his love language is probably physical touch. He wishes you would take initiative to hug and kiss him. If she is always cooking meals, washing and folding your clothes, cleaning up the bathroom after you leave, then her love language is probably acts of service. She wishes that you would help her with the work around the house. If you don't, then she feels unloved. For her, your taking out the garbage is more important than your hugs and kisses. One husband said, "If I had known that my taking out the garbage would make her feel loved and more responsive sexually, I would have been taking out the garbage years ago." Too bad it took him so many years to learn his wife's primary love language.
What does your spouse complain about most often?
What your spouse complains about reveals his/her love language. We usually interpret their complaints as negative criticism, but they are actually giving us valuable information. Complaints reveal the heart.
If your spouse says, "We don't every spend time together. We're like two ships passing in the dark." They are telling you that quality time is their love language and their love tank is setting on empty.
If your spouse says, "I don't think you would ever touch me if I didn't initiate it." They are revealing that physical touch is their love language.
If you return from a business trip and your spouse says, "You mean you didn't bring me anything?" They are telling you that gifts is their love language and they can't believe that you came home empty-handed.
If your spouse complains, "I don't ever do anything right." They are telling you that words of affirmation is their love language and they are not hearing those words from you.
If they say, "If you loved me, then you would help me." They are shouting that their love language is acts of service. Discover and speak the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.
Comments (0)
|
30-Jan-10 1:06:18 AM
Think About What You Are Thinking About
posted by New Eve
on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Article contributed by Esther Hew, PJ3
I
am a born again Christian but why don't I have the peace, joy and hope
of God in me? Why can't I live a victorious life? These were the
questions I used to ask but not anymore ..The Battlefield of the Mind
has taught me to initiate an habitual process to think about what i am
thinking about and then, to make the necessary efforts to meditate,
contemplate and ponder on God's Word day and night. As I started to
think and be mindful of what i was thinking, and worked at filling my
thought process with God's Word, I received a wonderful reve lation and
it gave me a new perspective for my life.
Although Romans 12 : 2
teaches us to be transformed by the renewal of our mind so that we may
prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, but
many of us have not gotten our mind renewed because we spend very very
little time pondering, meditating and contemplating on God's Word.
Instead our mind keep
thinking of the wrong thoughts: such as why my boss never appreciate
what i have done for him? There is no point in doing so much for him;
Why can't my children work as hard as my neighbour's children? This
type of negative thoughts only tear us down. They also change our
attitude and affect our emotions for the day. We become a person with a
lot of unhappiness, hatred, anger and jealousy.
When I start to think about
what I am thinking about, I became aware of this strong current of
negativity coming over me that threatens to pull me down. Once I
realised what was happening inside me. I resolved to change my thinking
so that i will no longer be held captive by these negative thoughts and
emotions. Following the teaching of the Battlefield of the Mind, I
started my quiet time with God on a more serious note. I would practice
putting God's Word into my thinking. Overtime my effort bore fruit. For
example, one time when i was wondering why such a sad incident had
occured. God's Word came to mind to reveal His reason for allowing it
to occur and that His wisdom transcend all understanding. We may not
know why such an incident happened but God tell us to trust Him, that
He will work out for good for those who love Him and are called
according to His purpose. The way God spoke to me reveal the truth that
the measure of thought and study we give to the truth we hear will be
the measure of virtue and knowledge that comes back to us.
Comments (0)
|
27-Jan-10 5:04:54 PM
Learning to Love Through Acts of Service
One
of the five love languages is "acts of service". For some people, this
is their primary love language. However, sometimes people make the
mistake of demanding "acts of service." "If you loved me you would
help me around the house." But, true love is a choice and cannot be
coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges.
With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: "Would you please mow the grass?" But you cannot create the 'will' to love. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love. If 'acts of service' is the primary love language of your spouse, then 'mowing the grass' will be loves loudest voice.
If your spouse often criticizes you for not "helping them", they are telling you that 'acts of service' is their love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If you understand this, you might respond more positively to their criticism.
One
of the five love languages is "acts of service". For some people, this
is their primary love language. However, sometimes people make the
mistake of demanding "acts of service." "If you loved me you would
help me around the house." But, true love is a choice and cannot be
coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: "Would you please mow the grass?" But you cannot create the 'will' to love. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love. If 'acts of service' is the primary love language of your spouse, then 'mowing the grass' will be loves loudest voice.
If your spouse often criticizes you for not "helping them", they are telling you that 'acts of service' is their love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If you understand this, you might respond more positively to their criticism.
Comments (0)
|
22-Jan-10 12:56:17 PM
Like the saying goes, the grass is not greener on the other side of
the fence; the grass is greener where you water it. We must make sure
our marriage is growing and developing, or we’ll be susceptible to
moral failure. If you want a happy marriage, you’re going to have to
work at it.
Song of Solomon 1:6 (NASB) says. “They made me
caretaker of the vineyards, but I have not taken care of my own
vineyard.” There’s a danger in ministry of spending your time repairing
other people’s marriages and neglecting your own. I’ve worked very hard
at my own marriage. Kay and I have learned that you can’t develop
separate lives if you’re in ministry. Separate lives can lead to moral
failure if you’re not careful.
Here are seven tips to keep you from developing separate lives:
- Involve your mate in your ministry. You need to keep your
spouse informed about what’s going on in your ministry. At one point I
took home all the personal mail I got at Saddleback and shared it with
Kay. I wanted her to know what was going on at the church. Secrets lead
to separate lives. You’ve got to ruthlessly eliminate secrets in your
marriage. Make your spouse a part of what your ministry is about.
- Surround yourself with reminders of your family. I keep a
drawer filled with reminders of my family. Whatever reminds you of your
family (a picture, keepsake, etc.), use it. Do this and you’ll keep in
mind all you have to lose with a moral failure.
- Keep lines of communication open. I read a Christianity Today
survey once that said 49 percent of ministers rarely or never talk to
their spouse about sexual temptation. That’s asking for trouble. Keep
the lines of communication open. Most affairs begin with shared
feelings and shared frustrations that should have been shared with a
mate. They say, “I can’t talk to my husband or wife, but this person
understands me.” Baloney! Affairs begin by emotional bonding, and they
continue through secrecy and dishonesty.
- Direct attraction toward your mate. You’re going to be attracted to other people – even if it’s fleeting. But you need to redirect that attraction to your mate.
- Date your mate. You and your spouse need a regular date
night. Put it on the calendar. Don’t let anything get in its way. It
doesn’t have to be expensive. If the weather is nice where you live,
have a picnic somewhere. There may be someone in your church willing to
babysit your kids as a ministry to your family. Regardless of how you
make it happen, you need to do it.
- Make much of your marriage in public. There shouldn’t be
any doubt in the minds of the people you’re serving that you’re happily
married. I’ve said many times to our congregation that I am hopelessly
in love with Kay. I want people to know that. I try to speak positively
of her to the church family. I’ve presented her with flowers in front
of people at the church. Public expressions of affection are important.
- Never discuss your marriage problems with anyone of the opposite sex. If you do, you’re asking for trouble. Discuss them with people of your own sex. At Saddleback, we only let our ministers counsel someone from the opposite sex once. After that, they’ve got to refer them to someone else. I think that’s wise counsel. When your marriage is hurting, it’s too easy for you to see someone who is listening to you as the answer.
Your marriage matters. It matters enough for you to protect it. The
best way to protect your marriage is to keep working at it. Never stop
growing closer to God and your spouse. The moment you’re not growing
closer, you’re growing farther apart.
Never let your marriage take a backseat to your ministry.
Comments (0)
|
10-Jan-10 11:19:08 PM